Saint Monkey

Okay, so obviously it’s not literal, it isn’t quite a space / time thing, but in my infinite wisdom I have found the way to do it subjectively.

Step 1. Buy a ticket to your desired destination.

Step 2. Start drinking four hours before your flight.

Step 3. Check in and go through customs etc then continue drinking.

Step 4. Once on the plane you will need to use your charm to get the stewardess to get you a drink before takeoff (it’s your charm and I will not tell you the secret to my own), continue drinking.

Step 5. During takeoff, take Valium (You will need to know what you can handle. 10mg is fine for me, I’m 6’1” and 80kg and have taken Valium before. I would suggest doing some experimentation to know what you’re good for before hopping on a plane and see the disclaimer below).

Step 6. Drink more. This is where you can go hard. Try 3 double shots back to back.

At some point shortly after that you will pass out. My own experience was waking up not long before landing. I don’t know if I was woken up or it just happened naturally but my time experience was almost nonexistent. I personally drunk close to 20 standard drinks in that first 5 hour period but I also have a fairly high tolerance to alcohol. If you would like to try this highly stupid but effective method of teleportation, it would be best to know your limits for all of these drugs.

Disclaimer: I do not recommend anyone actually do this. It is very stupid and can be harmful to yourself and those around you. You could die. If you do think this sounds like some half brained idea that you wouldn’t mind giving a go, talk to your doctor first.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything here. But, can always start again now.

In some ways I wish I could write about all the strangeness in my life but I have the fear that people involved in any of it will come across this and I’ll get into a bunch of trouble. On the other hand, that probably isn’t likely anyway.

Example:
Today I had my ear chewed off by a girl. Completely unjustified, uncalled for and just plain wrong. Now, this girl happens to be the older sister of my girlfriend, who would take it badly if I tore her sister a new asshole like she was asking for. I was calm and acted rationally and in the end she realised her wrong (maybe) and ended up in tears.

Now, I would like to write the details here but I have the fear of people involed finding it… What to do…

Stay tuned…

Last night I went to McDonald’s to soak up the alcohol after a bout of drinking. I ordered my food from a large friendly girl and when she turned around to get my food, my friend standing next to me says, “Imagine if Rebecca Curry got old and fat…”
I say, “What?”
“Rebecca Curry”
Remembering a girl I worked with half a lifetime ago I say, “Yeah, what about her?”
“Imagine if Rebecca Curry got old and fat and still worked at McDonald’s”
I stare at the girl in front of me, trying to see the once hot, thin girl underneath 200 pounds of too many Big Macs.
“No way ,“ I say.
“Look at the name badge, it’s her.”
Seeing the badge, then trying to find some points of reference from any remaining facial structure, realization dawns. “Oh fuck,” an incredulous smile trying to form at the edges of my mouth.
“Damn she got fat,” my friend continues, “That’s what happens when you work at McDonald’s for 15 years.”
Losing the battle I grin like a motherfucker and say, “Dude, you need to shut up or I’m going to piss myself laughing. It’s not good.”
My friend, grinning, nods his head.
She comes back with the food and starts when she sees both of us staring at her. She looks at us, one to the other and I could see the recognition sweep her entire face. She ends up taking a break and sitting with us while we eat.

When I was 14 I got my first job at McDonald’s. I only lasted 6 months before I told the manager where to put the cheeseburger, and moved on to bigger and better things.
At the time I worked there, the “it” girl was one Rebecca Curry who was hot, lithe and sexy. Although I had a small crush on her, I was more interested in other girls, so when I lost interest in her, it wasn’t a cataclysmic event.
There was some sort of staff party on a harbour cruise. I remember there was a lot of underage drinking and I had been quite publicly pashing a girl I was more interested in. At one point, Rebecca comes and starts talking to me. We are sitting down and she is talking away when she gets a sour look on her face. The next moment she has her head between her legs and opens a torrent of vomit on her shoes. It sounds vain but I think it was about that moment that the interest that I had for her evaporated…

Fast forward 15 years and there she is, sitting in front of me, far larger than life.
She seemed like a very nice girl and still had some of the innocent charm that I remember. To be fair, it wasn’t the same McDonald’s, nor had she been working there all this time, in fact, she had only started again a few months ago. And although both my friend and I didn’t say anything, we both couldn’t help thinking “HOW..?”
Note: Names have been changed.

I don’t think I will be putting much in the Real Life category but some of the interesting things will go up here. As it is too much interesting stuff happens to me but most of it’s going into a book.

Even the night before last I had to endure a psychopath running around the house, breaking quite literally through doors and trashing everything in sight. But that’s another story…

Last night I was electrocuted.
It was raining and because of blocked gutters, the water was flowing back through the eaves of a section of the house. Water then must have gone down the wall and into the light switch, sending the porch light discoing. Idiot me, standing on a wet towel, pressed said light switch. It should have been alright but it was an old style switch with an exposed screw. Even then it should have been alright with the circuit breaker, but no, the circuit breaker is only installed for the power points. So, I pressed my finger up to the switch, pressing firmly on the exposed screw. The power stared flowing through me. Something about it was so incredibly cold, like ice entering the bloodstream through my arm and down through me. It mustn’t have been too much because it wasn’t a big zap, but it lasted a few seconds till I could move enough to get my hand away.
I’m stumbling around, in pain, yelling, “ahhh fuck”, when my oversized cat decides to jump around on my legs repeatedly trying to crash tackle me. It was a bit out of sorts for him as he doesn’t normally do that. He sometimes hides and tries to crash tackle but he doesn’t normally do it repeatedly, nor does he normally use his claws. He must have been thinking that I was playing some interesting game by stumbling around, that something possessed me or he just wanted to snap me out of it. He helped either way because I wasn’t conscious of him actually doing it for about the first 30 seconds…
Last night most of my muscles hurt, even in my legs, but now it’s just my arm and shoulder that aches.

Fun fun.